Insecurity has struck... Am I at all able to write a book? Still working on the first four chapters, I am trapped in despair at the moment. A lot of new books are being published lately. Successful Dutch writers are being interviewed on television shows about their latest novels. The way they describe the process of writing and the way they talk about the characters and the stories that have sprang from their brilliant imagination, make me wonder how I can ever measure up to these kind of people. Is this a normal phase to be going through being a newcomer?
Writing is as much a practical process as it is an emotional one, I have experienced already. No matter how much fantasy you have, how great the story is you have in your head or what kind of wonderful writing style you have, you have to be organized. Big time. You have to keep a very clear overview. You have to schedule. You have to structure. Not the best of my skills. You have to stay focused, otherwise you get lost. And that is exactly how I feel at the moment. It frustrates me and makes me wonder if and how I am ever going to finish this book. This morning however I came across one of the very first tweets of my favorite British singer Adele, saying:
'I don’t know what’s going to happen if my music career goes wrong; I haven’t had a proper job yet.'
That was June 27, 2009. Adele has launched two magnificent albums since. The first album sold 2.8 million copies worldwide and Adele definitely doesn't need to worry anymore about a 'proper' job anymore! Apparently insecurity is something we all have to deal with at one point in time. Not that I want to compare myself to Adele when it comes to being talented, but maybe I should stop worrying whether or how I will ever finish this book. I should stop wining and just write, as that is what I love to do. And listen to Adele singing whenever I feel insecure... Love, M.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
'Mijmeren'
Never thought writing a book would be this confrontational... I can not find any rest! Somewhere in the middle of doing laundry, seeing friends, going to the dentist, practicing sports, being my son's homework coach, dinner parties, grocery shopping, planning the next family holiday, finishing reading a book, birthdays, keeping the house clean, reading the newspaper, choosing the right high school for my son, eating, sleeping, I have to find the time, rest and the peace of mind to write. Easier said than done. Start meditating, you might say now, start yoga classes or go to an ashram for a month (like a friend of mine will be doing soon). I always tend to think that I am to restless to do these kind of things :-). Do you think I am missing the point here?
When I am in the right mood/mode, I sit down, put my hands on the keyboard of my notebook and the inspiration and writing comes naturally. No problem. I even have the tendency to 'hyperfocus' and find it very difficult to stop once I am on the go. However... to get to that point is the problem. In order to be creative, I need to clear my mind from daily worries and schedules. When I was still traveling a lot (about three months a year), I was able to do that. I also have an urge to sometimes not be 'the mother of' or 'the wife of' for a while. To just be me, myself and I. Me, alone with my own thoughts. To hear myself think. To feel myself feel. Without being overruled by the noise of daily hassle. To be away from what to eat that night, school times, sports classes and obligations, as these are all distractions from what I really want: to write this book.
One of my all time favorite Dutch words is 'mijmeren'. The English translation 'daydreaming' doesn't cover the meaning of 'mijmeren' for me. 'Mijmeren' for me is opening a door to an inner, deeper layer of myself. A place where I can find creativity. Where solutions come to me. Where I suddenly know how a character will develop itself or how a storyline will continue. Sometimes I am able to 'mijmer' on Sunday morning, when husband and son are already downstairs and I am still in bed. Or at night, when all is quiet and everybody is sound asleep. The best way to 'mijmer' however is to literally break away for a while from everything and everybody. It is not for nothing that (song)writers and other creative people lock themselves up sometimes to create a new album, book or other works of art. In order to find a solution, I am either condemned to read the book 'Meditating for Dummies' or to plan another trip. I think I will opt for the trip. A trip just for 'mijmeren'. Soon. Love, M.
When I am in the right mood/mode, I sit down, put my hands on the keyboard of my notebook and the inspiration and writing comes naturally. No problem. I even have the tendency to 'hyperfocus' and find it very difficult to stop once I am on the go. However... to get to that point is the problem. In order to be creative, I need to clear my mind from daily worries and schedules. When I was still traveling a lot (about three months a year), I was able to do that. I also have an urge to sometimes not be 'the mother of' or 'the wife of' for a while. To just be me, myself and I. Me, alone with my own thoughts. To hear myself think. To feel myself feel. Without being overruled by the noise of daily hassle. To be away from what to eat that night, school times, sports classes and obligations, as these are all distractions from what I really want: to write this book.
One of my all time favorite Dutch words is 'mijmeren'. The English translation 'daydreaming' doesn't cover the meaning of 'mijmeren' for me. 'Mijmeren' for me is opening a door to an inner, deeper layer of myself. A place where I can find creativity. Where solutions come to me. Where I suddenly know how a character will develop itself or how a storyline will continue. Sometimes I am able to 'mijmer' on Sunday morning, when husband and son are already downstairs and I am still in bed. Or at night, when all is quiet and everybody is sound asleep. The best way to 'mijmer' however is to literally break away for a while from everything and everybody. It is not for nothing that (song)writers and other creative people lock themselves up sometimes to create a new album, book or other works of art. In order to find a solution, I am either condemned to read the book 'Meditating for Dummies' or to plan another trip. I think I will opt for the trip. A trip just for 'mijmeren'. Soon. Love, M.
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